I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
