come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
