just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
