Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
