i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
