The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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