she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
