you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
