I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
