Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
