just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize