I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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