i just wanna soil my oats bro
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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