i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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