I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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