Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
