He uses pillows to masturbate.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
