goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
