i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
