You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
