I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I said "one day" and that day is not today
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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