i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
