Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
How external is "for external use only"?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
