you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My vagina is officially offended.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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