we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
