Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
