yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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