He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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