If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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