Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
