I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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