this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
