Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize