He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
