K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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