I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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