Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Randomize
