i would punch a child for taco bell
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
