Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
