My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
