So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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