you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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