You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
