Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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