$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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