Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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