I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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