this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He passed out mid-signature
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
