Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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