No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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