I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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