When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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