I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
