PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
