using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
