I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
