I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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