I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
