Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize