Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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