Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
