Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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