best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
