I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
