i'm signing you up for texting rehab
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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