Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
