Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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