so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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